It’ll be a day like this one when the world caves in.

aseaofquotes:

Michael Cunningham, The Hours

Dear Roger:
On behalf of the rest of the viewers of the early morning western skies, I would just like to say that if it were not for the fog, I would have my eyes fixed on you & unmoving. Never before in all my life have I wished more desperately for a higher precipice on which to encounter your mystery, glory, & awe. You’ve inspired countless sonnets by great men of old, & many a heartfelt tear from the emerald eyes of yours truly. I patiently await the day this Earth, your friend & lover, will permit me the sheer bliss of witnessing the delicate dance you perform with her shadow. Always together, eternally apart. My heart longs for you, Roger, my constant. I lie in peace & rest now in the echo of your song & the knowledge of your presence, though the city’s shroud of mist blind me.
Yours forever in the name of Truth Himself.
Roxy

Dear Sun, we have until Tuesday. It’s been so nice visiting with you.

We forget how weathered we really are.
We’ve been through thunder & the rain.
Flooded out & shaken up, startled, scared beneath the covers if cover can be found.
We’ve been kissed by the sun & scathed by the same. We turn our backs but the scars remain.
When we’re honest, what burns the most is to be told we are strong.
My darling, you are strong.

I’m finally willing to admit that acting, for me, is amplification when I have something to say; Inspiration when I feel something that needs portrayed. It’s not hiding behind a facade because I’m disconnected from reality, it’s finding a strong passion deep enough within myself to stir my soul & allow me to bare it.

I’ve been falling apart for years. Someone Wonderful is picking up the pieces. He’s answering my prayers, just like He promised. Hallelujah. What a mysterious way to be healed.

It’s always hit or miss. We almost always miss. We are untouchable.

Yesterday I woke up almost completely unfeeling. I lied in bed for hours, digging up & mulling over any & every depressing thought I could find in my brain that slowly rots in the rich soil of unemployment. This is unfamiliar territory.
I couldn’t fall asleep last night, which was no surprise at all. It would have been a natural phenomenon if I had been even remotely sleepy considering the previous duration in which I had lounged. Shallow breathing. Palms sweating. Alternating laughter at my disbelief & sorrow at my incredible loss.
Yes friends, desperation is a humbling state, & at times a beautiful one, especially in hindsight when all is well again.
I stepped out to my driveway around 10pm. It was chilly & abnormally bright for the hour. I looked up & to the east to find a bright white Moon, Roger, as I have always called him, shining down on me in a circle of luminescent crystals forming a halo about his glorious face. Against the cold, black sky this beacon of love reminded me in an instant that I am a part of something bigger. What an honor. How I regret lying in bed all those miserable hours, anxious & fretting all for situations beyond my control. I see now that this abandonment is intentional & with great purpose.
Praise the Lord, it is well with my soul.
Around 6am I left the warmth of my house yet again. Strapped my safety lights to Keiko (my noble steed of steel). Biked toward the waterfront with fresh resumes in my Swedish backpack. I raced down hawthorne hill toward Roger who now sat snuggly just atop the Portland skyline in a milky bath of morning mist. It was bliss. I couldn’t help but lift my heart & hands in that moment & sing “Whatever You’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but I believe this is something bigger than me. I surrender.”
Coopers coffee was a quaint little cafe located just under the Ross Island bridge. It seems to serve mainly businessmen. I tethered my steed & walked in, turned in a resume, attempted to chat with the manager, but not to much avail. Walked back toward Keiko & decided not to waste a perfectly inspiring morning. Roger was no longer visible, but I felt content with riding on to see what the sun might be up to, & also to see just how far this bike path would go.
After a few stops along the way to take a photo of the sun rising over what appeared to be marshy cranberry crops, I ended up at Lovecup. A Sellwood cafe dedicated to friendly chatter, fresh homemade scones, discounts for cyclists, & a warmth I just haven’t found in the city.
I identify with so many things & often feel I belong someplace for the oddest reasons: an empty can of coconut water in the bin (I love coconut water); Ryan Adams on the radio (I love Ryan Adams); an owl on my coffee cup (I love owls); etc. There is an eclectic collection of things here that would make just about anyone feel at home.
I’ve stayed a while & gathered my thoughts. I feel much more inspired & hopeful than I did just those few hours ago alone in my room. This is what it should be like to venture off alone… This is what it could be. I leave you with this quote from my current read:
“But if it is the dreamy idleness that children have, an idleness when you walk alone for a long, long time, or take a long, dreamy time at dressing, or lie in bed at night & thoughts come & go, or dig in a garden, or drive a car for many hours alone, or play the piano, or sew, or paint ALONE; or an idleness-& this is what I want you to do-where you sit with pencil & paper or before a typewriter quietly putting down what you happen to be thinking, that is creative idleness. With all my heart I tell you & reassure you: at such times you are being slowly filled & recharged with warm imagination, with wonderful, living thoughts.” - Brenda Ueland (If You Want To Write)